


No Control

by WaitingForTheDay



Series: Set It Off ~ Samifer [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: BUT ALSO HAPPY, Dead Lucifer (Supernatural), I'm kinda sorry, In a way, M/M, No Smut, Poor Sam Winchester, Sad, based on a Set It Off song, which is a surprise coming from me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 19:50:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17946032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaitingForTheDay/pseuds/WaitingForTheDay
Summary: Sam spends some time with Lucifer after the archangel dies.Author: Chris~Based off the songNo Controlby Set It Off~





	No Control

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted Garter to write this, but she "doesn't do sad fics". So you're stuck with me, sorry.

_It’s like watching a rose just wither away  
When beauty crumbles and decays.  
It’s like having a voice with no chance to speak  
It’s something that you hold, and hold to keep._

It had been three weeks. Three weeks since the Big Fight, three weeks since Dean showed up and decided to take matters into his own hands, three weeks since Lucifer died.

Sam ran his hand over the stone marking where they’d placed the body. He’d been able to convince Dean to let Lucifer be buried and not burned, but Sam didn’t consider that a victory. He’d failed to keep Lucifer safe. Yet another relationship ended in flames.

This one hurt more than Jess.

Sam fought tears and tried not to blame Dean for what had happened. But he could never forgive his brother for sticking the blade through his lover’s heart.

_Fall to my knees  
God I beg you please, show me just a little mercy  
Help me, help me. I’m doing all I can  
Pretend I’m unaffected, but their pain became my burden_

Despite his best efforts, tears slid down Sam’s face and onto the dirt below. He’d give anything to just hold Lucifer’s hand one final time. He’d miss those brilliant blue eyes.

Sam would like to just kill himself to end the pain. But he’d died before, and he knew that the suffering didn’t end in death. He wasn’t ready to see what happened to hell without the devil. He wasn’t ready to die.

A part of him still hoped that somehow, the archangel would come back. Somehow, things would be okay. He wanted to believe that it wasn’t over. Funny how much he craved the apocalypse now that it was over.

_Swear this isn’t what I wanted. God, this house is haunted.  
The way that this could be, if things would remedy  
And after all of this we’ve been through, I wish that we could switch shoes  
This life ain’t fair for us all_

It should’ve been Sam. It should’ve been him who died. He should’ve protected Lucifer better. Because if it were Sam who died, he’d be back already. Or he’d be in hell with Lucifer. Either way, he’d still have him. Either way, he’d still be happy.

Lucifer had warned Sam that this could happen. He’d warned Sam not to get attached to him. Sam had replied that he was aware of all the risks, and ready to face the consequences.

God, he was so wrong.

He only said that because he didn’t know what would actually happen. He didn’t think Lucifer would die so soon. He didn’t realize it would be so permanent. He didn’t realize it would be so hard to move on.

He didn’t realize he was in love.

_My ears resound with the sound of broken dreams  
I had where you would breathe exist eternally  
Tell them to leave. You’re coming home with me.  
Remove that damn IV. I wish my words could cure illness.  
It’s like running a race with no legs or swimming a lap with no arms.  
The door may have slammed in my face, but the windows will heal my scars._

Wind whistled behind Sam, and his heart sped up as if it thought maybe Lucifer had returned. But no, it was just wind. It would never be Lucifer, not again. Sam had seen the body himself. Sam had touched it, cried over it, kissed it, and then he had buried it.

It was getting dark. Sam had been sitting in front of the makeshift grave since dawn, and all too soon it was dusk. He would sleep here if he could, but it was too cold. Sam would freeze. Which he wouldn’t mind, but again, he wasn’t ready to see hell yet. Not without Lucifer.

Sam had spent the better portion of a few years trying to kill Lucifer, but now that he was gone, he wanted him back. What kind of cruel joke was God playing on him? What did he do to deserve this? Why did everyone Sam loved have to die?

Sitting in the fading sunlight, Sam realized he’d never told Lucifer how he felt.

_Swear this isn’t what I wanted. God, this house is haunted.  
The way that this could be, if things would remedy  
And after all of this we’ve been through, I wish that we could switch shoes  
This life ain’t fair for us all_

Where was Lucifer now? Was he watching? Was he existing in some other world? Did he know Sam was sorry? Was he trying to get back to him, to send a message? Did he feel just as empty and heartbroken as Sam felt now?

No matter how many times Dean tried to justify what he’d done, Sam couldn’t accept the fact that Lucifer was gone. He didn’t want to. Dean understood, but it was clearly starting to eat at him. Good. He should feel bad for what he did.

Sam had spent a good three days after Lucifer’s death screaming at God and on his knees praying and begging for his lover’s return. But the heavens remained as silent as they always were.

Sam couldn’t help but feel partially responsible for what had happened.

_My walls are built and on display. I drown in guilt due to dismay  
Maybe someday I can see how this has shaped me.  
Bite my tongue. With swelling lungs, I gasp for air and let this go._

The last remnants of day faded from the sky, and Sam slowly stood up. He turned away from the grave and wiped his tears. He felt a hand on his shoulder, but when he turned, there was nothing there. Of course there wasn’t. Why would there be?

He shivered a little in the cold as he forced his feet to take steps away from where his angel lie. Leaves crunched under his shoes, and it almost sounded like someone was walking with him. Sam pretended it was him.

_Swear this isn’t what I wanted. God, this house is haunted.  
The way that this could be, if things would remedy  
And after all this shit we’ve been through, I wish that we could switch shoes_

Sam walked all the way to the bunker. Without a word to Dean, he went to his room and crawled in bed. He felt eyes on him, and it made him sad all over again.

He couldn’t see it, but Lucifer’s spirit was hovering just next to the bed, standing guard for the hunter he loved and refused to leave.

_Well, this life ain’t fair for us all._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so much better at smut.


End file.
